Couples Therapist: “The One Rule Every Relationship Must Live By” - Stan Tatkin -#1146

Dr. Stan Tatkin, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, joined Chris Williamson on the Modern Wisdom podcast to discuss the intricate dynamics of human relationships. Tatkin, known for his work on attachment theory and PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), shared insights into why relationships are inherently challenging, why love alone isn't sufficient, and how couples can build secure, lasting bonds.

Relationships: Thought, Not Felt

Tatkin challenges the romanticized notion of love, asserting that successful relationships are more about "love by design, not desire." He argues that relying solely on feelings, which are inherently volatile, leads to instability. Instead, he advocates for an "earned love" built on a daily commitment to understanding and managing the brain's neuroendocrine system. This involves actively designing the relationship to protect and enhance feelings, allowing two individuals under stress to maintain a collaborative and cooperative attitude. This requires significant planning, predicting, and preparing for potential issues, as human beings are inherently complex and prone to emotional fluctuations.