Ask Jay: How Do I Forgive?

In this episode of "On Purpose," Jay Shetty addresses two deeply personal and challenging questions from callers grappling with forgiveness and trust in the wake of significant betrayals. The conversations delve into the complexities of emotional healing, the societal pressures surrounding forgiveness, and the journey toward rebuilding one's sense of self and connection with others.

Forgiving Yourself for Custody Decisions

The first caller, a mother, shares her struggle with guilt after giving up custody of her son to her ex-husband two years ago to finalize a mutual divorce. She recounts the numerous challenges she has faced in maintaining contact with her son and the constant questioning of whether she made the right decision. Society, she feels, expects her to feel bad about it, but she doesn't, leading her to wonder if it's okay not to feel the "feeling of mother" and to look forward to her new life. She asks three direct questions: "Am I a good mother?", "Did I do right?", and "Is it okay not to feel bad about it?"

Jay acknowledges the immense difficulty of her situation, emphasizing that he has not experienced divorce or custody battles firsthand but understands the profound complexity of such events. He states that there is no definitive "right way" to handle these situations and apologizes for the harsh judgment she has faced. While he cannot answer her first two questions directly, he highlights research on effective parenting by psychologist Robert Epstein. Epstein's study, which tested various parenting practices, found that the number one predictor of a strong bond and happy, healthy children was "love and affection." This includes supporting, accepting, being physically affectionate, and spending quality one-on-one time together. Notably, two of the next three top practices—managing one's own stress and maintaining a workable relationship with the other parent—did not directly involve the child. Legal custody, Jay points out, was not on the list, underscoring that the quality of the relationship is defined by interaction, not administrative circumstances.

Jay encourages the caller to reflect on her relationship with her son: "When you FaceTime, are you bonding, chatting, laughing, and connecting?" The answers to these questions, he suggests, reveal the true nature of their relationship, regardless of external perceptions. He then addresses her third question about not feeling bad, expressing sorrow that she even feels the need to ask if her feelings are valid. He challenges her to consider why she thinks she should feel bad. Is it the societal stigma, perhaps influenced by studies like one he mentions where single mothers were rated less responsible and moral than single fathers for identical stories? Or does she genuinely feel something is missing in her relationship with her son? If it's the stigma, Jay firmly states, she owes no one an apology. Her custody status is not a moral failing. He reminds her that showing warmth, reminding her son he's loved, and giving him full attention are what truly matter, regardless of how often they see each other. He also reiterates the importance of a parent's own well-being, noting that taking care of oneself is a core part of the parenting mission. Jay concludes by validating her spiraling thoughts and questioning as signs that she cares, is present, and is human, encouraging her to view these internal dialogues as pathways to new opportunities and ideas.